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So this is that weekend. I'm supposed to go up to the house and say goodbye to it and clear out all my stuff. I am not looking forward to it at all. But it might not happen this weekend. The roads are wicked icy apparently -- or they're going to be.

There are two different routes I could go with it:

John's Plan

  • My boyfriend, John, comes home from work tonight. We go to bed super early (like seven o'clock). We wake up at 4am (ugh) and drive 4.5 hours to my house. We do something (????) with the dogs. We clean from 10am until we're finished. John expects 4-6 hours. Then we drive home. If we get started at 5, we should be here around 9-10pm. We sleep all Sunday, get up to watch the game, probably sleep some more.
  • Pros: fast, gets it done with quickly, little time for feelings, can sleep all the next day
  • Cons: little time for feelings, John drives 9 hours in one day (and cleans and puts up with me)
Jacob's Plan
  • My brother, Jacob, drives from my house area to here tomorrow night. Stays the night here, gets up Sunday morning and drives us back. I clean alone (he'll be cleaning too, just his room, though). Tuesday night he drives me back, spends the night here, and drives back to our house area on Wednesday morning (and arrives in time for work).
  • Pros: John doesn't have to drive 9+ hours, John doesn't have to deal with my family's mess, I can approach it at a slower pace and feel all my feelings
  • Cons: feelings, I have to spend the night in the house, I have to be away from John and the dogs for two nights
I'm still not sure which will be the best plan. My mother expects that I will fill a full car full of stuff. I want maybe two boxes of stuff. My mother will be pushing me to keep stuff. Jacob thinks I shouldn't just throw everything away. I know John could help me decide what's worth keeping and what isn't and that's part of why I want him there. Another, very large part of me is very embarrassed to have him there. This is one of the last great "secrets" of our relationship. He's heard me talk about what it was like growing up in that house but he has not experienced it.

I just had my mother take this video, though:


I guess the main deciding factor is emotionally, can I do this alone? Emotionally, how long will it take? Can I handle it?

I don't know. That's why I've been avoiding it for so long. When I think about what's in my room, there are maybe five things I want to keep.

  • My friend (who I no longer talk to) painted me a nice, pretty painting once. It's kind of bland and plain, but pretty nice.
  • I want to display my Aggrabah Polly Pocket Castle because, quite frankly, it's cool af (I have several of these but don't know if I want to keep the rest? this is when John would come in)
  • Mostly books
  • My guitar (strong maybe on this one)
  • My ultra-soft lavender duvet
  • My plum-colored body pillow (also ultra soft)
  • My mom will take the furniture for the guest house

Nothing else comes to mind. There's so much stuff in the house, though. In my room, too. I have to accept this and confront it.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do.


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